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The new guy is asking questions about me. I don't know him or even seen him before. He works a different shift and in a different area. I saw him last night for the first time. I really hope its a crush and not a spy or worse. With M running around its made me uneasy.

Just for the record, I loved you almost to the point of foolishness. I have said countless times I don't hate you. It's not my problem if you don't listen. I loved you more than anyone else. But I started to cling to fantasy and then when you told me to concentrate on something else, it just devastated me. Like I said I loved you foolishly. I am sorry for destroying our friendship, but if I would have kept you as my friend it would have crushed me. I gave you the biggest part of my heart, only to feel discarded easily. I am trying to forget about you, its the hardest thing I've had to go. It's been years and I'm still licking my wounded heart.

It's been years since I have done any sort of coding to my page. I have forgotten so much its discouraging. I used to be good at it. My stupid phone glitches out again and I did a mistake in my coven it broke my heart.



*sigh*



I had a dream about Mr. N this morning. Despite my better judgment I actually messaged him. I must be going crazy. I vowed I would never talk to him again. I don't know anymore. Things are just so messed up right now.I need one of those magical miracles I read about in books. I'm facing the facts that I may end up losing my house, my job, my car,my health,and just losing my way.



I even sat down and prayed to "god". It was a long shot I know. The damned don't get help. Hence why every one of the damned like me ends up in survival mode for the entirety of life. I've been in survival mode for so long I forgot what its like to feel human.



I'm enjoying being more active here recently on here. I spent so much time seeking isolation in my journal. It's nice to be able to talk to people again. I missed my friends so much over the years. I just didn't want to burden them with my problems. I didn't want them to see my spiraling downwards.



I'm tired today, not much energy to do much today to be honest. I'm feeling run down. I way overdid it yesterday. I pushed myself so past my limits.



I got on a bus and saw a man with bloody knuckles. The sight of the blood actually made me want to gag. I started to get a migraine from hell. I think I ended up with too much sun to be honest.

Another welt from the sun. This time on my shoulder. I even put on sun block today . So frustrating. Welts hurt. *insert a bunch of curse words *

You: Why are you so dark lately? I've known you for awhile and you never were anything like you are now. What happened?



Me: Perhaps you only knew the mask I wear. I've always have had a darker side than most. Most choose to ignore it to the point where they can only see me made of glitter and smiles.



You: There is no way you were ever like this. Something must be setting you off.



Me: *quiet laugh * This is going no where. If you are that bothered by who I am there's the door.



You: ----------- wait. I didn't mean anything by it.



Me: Sure. There are things you will never understand.



This conversation ended up sort of pissing me off. I didn't want to lie. It's another end I probably could have done without. I wanted to bare my soul ,tell everything that I have been going through. But something tells me the person wouldn't understand. People tend to close their minds against things they don't understand or believe in.



Today was especially hard. Once again the migraine returned along with the thirsty feeling. I even caught myself staring at blood running down a persons face. I quickly adverted my eyes. That would be hard to explain if I started licking the strangers face. But I wanted to try it. It was like an urge I couldn't shake.



The sun ended up welting my skin. A couple places are just big welts. It's painful to say the least. I forgot my sunscreen. A lesson I have learned from.



Ever wake up with your entire body shaking? Have you ever woke from a dream yearning for something out of the ordinary? Today was like that. I woke up from a strange nightmare. I felt like the whole day felt off. I couldn't focus on anything. I kept thinking about the dream. I can't really remember what it was about to be honest.



I tried to read today and I must have read the same page over and over again. I guess no matter what I did today the dream seemed to have a weird hold on me. I just wish I could remember it.



I'm going to try to rest just forget all about this wretched week.

I had forgotten about the physical pain apart from what I normally feel. I forgot how much I don't like it . I used to thrive for it. I used to run knives on my skin just to see the fine line of blood appear. I used to love the thrill of it. Perhaps I am finally getting older. My problems are getting deeper. Into the massive hole in sinking again. Everything is being threatened to fail on me. The bills are stacking up that I can't pay. By the looks of things my situation is starting to look dire and bleak. I'm finally at the end of my rope and I don't know if I should give up the fight and let myself hang or start chewing the ropes and make a run for it. For the first time in my life my heart is silent, my mind is blank and I have no idea what to do

Things are going so wrong. All of a sudden I'm back to square one in everything. I had a way, I was going to make it. Then nothing. Just another twisted path littered with rusted pieces of glass stabbing me as I walk through it. Now what....

You ask how come your journal consists of my constant whining about my life and depression.

My answer is if it bothers you so much how come you read my journal every night? Quite a contradiction don't you think?



I write in this journal daily because I really don't have any one I can talk to. View my journal as a non responsive, non judgmental therapist. I have to work through the struggles of ever day life somehow right?



Anyways

I have been working on a new profile for a long time. It's going slower than ever. I just don't know what to say anymore. So much has happened and has changed I wouldn't know where to start.



I have just been so busy and functioning like a zombie that I am having a hard time. Maybe one of these nights I will finish it. Sigh

I am so tired. I had to pick up some more shifts to get through this obstacle. I'm working so much my days are running together. I could wish for a different outcome but I know it wont help. This is just the way things have to be. I may never get out of survival mode at this point. There are no knights in shining armor, there is no miracles or magic left. It's just me against all odds.

I honestly can't figure out how I hate more. Husband #1 or #2. Right now its a tie. Yes I'm very aware that hate is a strong word to use but that's the only emotion I cam think of that best describes what I am feeling. I'm pretty sure I am being tested. Someone like me probably needs to not be with anyone. Single for life. It's just so aggravating. Damned if I do damned if I don't.

So exhausting dying and coming back alive all night in my dreams. I'm so tired I will be hitting the coffee hard today

Hehe I started over on my Eli the vampire story and this time its going well. Even though the red of my day sucked, writing on the story made it all better. Thank you Mr. X for the inspiration

I feel a little bit better now. I took an hr by myself to just think and meditate. I can let my emotions get the better of me, he just pisses me off so much. I think my dear friend is right and I'm so happy she was able to give me advice. I should give up for my search until I can get a better handle on some areas in my life. I'm going to spend some time on my latest projects.

I am tired of it all. I found a couple classes I want to take but just like everything else in my life, I can't. I'm trying to work as many hours as possible because the marriage project is lazy and is putting me in further debt. Because I am working all the time I don't have any time or social life to indulge in. Not just that but I don't have the finances. I'm handling everything. I'm fed up with his laziness, and everything else about him. He even tried to go out of his way to ruin my birthday. Too bad I don't have a rich relative who could help me out so I could kick him to the curb. But I don't and he knows he will never leave. It's a blackmail sort of game. The way my life is and how shitty my life is, I'm just going to have to accept it. I keep trying for a better life but it seems I'm struggling over more and more of the obstacles in my life. My frustration at the situation is making me feel like my hands are tied. Like these were the cards dealt to me. I hate it all. I keep searching for my ghost and the more I realize I will never find him the more I'm struggling with life. I am the the cursed trapped attraction

I don't tell many people about my life. Many of them don't understand or think I fabricate stories. I don't lie when it comes to my life, I don't make up stories. Believe me, there are weird things that happen especially to me that I can no longer explain. If you were any type of person who cared about me you would want to know answers too. I am not going to stop trying to find out how and why. I would advise you to not get in my way. Dealing with closed minded people are wearing my patience thin.

I am so hungry. No matter how much or how little I eat I'm still hungry. Everyone keeps saying I need to go to a doctor for even more tests that wont have any results. I had a pretty severe nightmare today. I actually punched the wall. Luckily I didn't damage the wall. I really don't need another reason for my prick landlord to bother me with. The less I have to deal with him the better. I'm exhausted and hungry but I think I might do a little research tonight, permitting this migraine goes away.

I will have a good day.

I will gave a good day.

I will have a good day.

I will have a good day.

Cupcakes?

I will not eat all the cupcakes.

I will not eat all the cupcakes.

Lol

I took the night off from the chat app. I just didn't want to have to deal with people. I might try it again tonight but I guess it's just how I end up feeling tonight. I didn't sleep good when I finally got to sleep. So today I'm even more exhausted if that's even possible. I have so much to do today and to be honest I don't want to have to do any of it.

I decided to branch out and contact my friends that first introduced me to this site. I missed them but at least I have someone to talk to now. I re joined my first coven on here. I'm excited. Not that there was anything wrong with my previous coven. It was a great coven I just missed my home on here.

Day 3 using the chat app. So far I've encountered a serial rapist, and a pedophile. My search for the man from my dreams is not going well at the moment.

So after many years of combing this website I've decided to take my quest elsewhere for the man that's been haunting me for almost 18 years now. I downloaded an app that allows me to chat with strangers without revealing my identity. (promegle)It's a start but I know he is out there, I just have to find him.



Tonight's song is. Massive Ego- I idolize you

Until I can get to a computer I won't send any more messages. Wrong people keep getting my messages and its just an aggravation I don't need. Ex, I realize our friendship is not repairable. I gave up on you a very long time ago. You are in my friends list because I enjoy your journal, not because I want to fix anything with you. That door closed years ago so get over yourself. I made a mistake thanks to faulty electronics.

I'm playing around with a couple new ideas. Gotta do something,the nights are dragging.

I had a flashback tonight from 8th grade. I had a crush on this boy and my best friend at the time humilated me in front of him. I was so angry I kept picturing me choking the hell out of her. I saved her life and instead I fled to an empty corner of the school. I kept thinking about how I was going to hurt her. I was found by the principal with the backs of my hands bloody. I guess I ran the backs of my hands on the ledge that jutted out of. the wall. I made up a lie saying I got into a fight. I got suspended . I was happy to not see her face for a day. It just made me realize I've had to lie a lot over the years. People won't understand what I've gone through. I made the mistake of telling Mr. N once that didn't result well for either of us.sigh.

I think I'm going crazy. Some nights, I think the pieces of the puzzle don't fit. Other nights I some how convince myself otherwise. I used to never doubt, somehow I just knew.



Aeverium- break out

I'm falling. I'm failing. I need a genie, or miracle. I need money. Sigh.

Awesome. I decided to spend my night writing. I figured just by doing a couple of exercises it would make my night go by faster. Did it go faster? No, not by a long shot. I started writing on my Eli, the vampire story. A piece I started years ago and gave up on it because I didn't know how to end it. I know what you are thinking, that's a good thing right? It could have been except tonight I wrote for two hrs as a ROMANCE. It angered me to be honest. Not really that the characters indulged in a love scene but because it ended up like those romance novels that I don't particularly like.it made me feel almost fake. There is no way real life will end up such. Why in the hell did I choose to go a romantic way with it? The sad part is it is actually very good so now I can't destroy it. My only choice is to continue on with it. Maybe I can work the romance in with a bit of macabre. Damn it.





"You belong to me, as I belong to you." He murmured passionately holding her close enough to feel her beating heart through her thin shirt. Cupping her face in his hands he bent down to kiss her dark red lips. A fiery passion seemed to erupt and he moaned slightly.



"Never again to be apart," she whispered her hot breath against his neck sending a sensation of pleasure down his spine.

Stupid copper taste in my mouth. Why wont it go away? I'm hungry and a migraine has started.

I've never had my nails professionally done. Watching women with the nails I can only describe as fancy, has always fascinated me. One of the few things that the beauty of it captures my attention every time. Of course I can't just sit there and watch them because then I'm a creeper, not just any creeper but a jealous one. Anyway, this entry is going no where. Just more useless shit oozing out of my skull. Out of pure boredom.

There is so much I want to write, but I'm afraid to expose my soul. I have a bunch on my mind tonight. I finally managed to get a couple of hours of sleep but it wasn't by any means restful. I had a dream that I haven't had in a while. I used to take some sort of comfort from these dreams. Today I woke up feeling confused. I'm not really sure what my next move should be. I spent my entire life following my heart but it would appear my heart has abandoned me. Ever since I was 13 I've been chasing a ghost. A ghost that appears in my dreams but I don't think he exists. I thought it was Mr x when I first found him, but nowadays I'm not sure . As the years tick by weird things keep happening usually pretty close to my birthday. Each year I have pretty intense dreams about the man who has been in my dreams since I was 13. It's not just dreams either with each birthday I have something changes me. It's not just my age progressing its something else. I've given up for a while for the simple fact that I am just trying to survive. Should I continue my quest to find the man? Should I continue my quest for answers? Should I worry about my upcoming birthday?

Really? Sending me a message of calling me sexy when you have never seen my face on here is stupid. This isn't facebook. Yes on face book I do post my real picture. But I have a reason for that. Here I play on this site for my journal. Sure I miss conversation but not that kind, I'm afraid. Times have changed. If you want to impress me show me your mind.

I want.....

A menthol cigarette

Answers

Something other than whispered nothings, broken promises, and shadows

To quit struggling financially

To be able to get back the things I had to sell in order to make ends meet

Revenge against everyone that has hurt me the most

This damned hunger to be quenched

Hot sex unlike anything I've experienced

To taste blood

Conversations

Mystery

Mystical

To find the ring I keep dreaming about

Love that's so deep nothing and no one can tear us apart.

Love that is so connected we can speak to each other without uttering a single word

Winter . I'm so sick of the heat.



I'm so bored tonight. I haven't slept in a couple of days. There is nothing I can think of to do to keep myself occupied. So I made a wish list. A bucket list I suppose. A list of shit that will never come true. But it felt good to write it out. I started to draw but then realized I am not really good at it. I tried to write but it was unsatisfactory tonight. I reorganized the entire house. I tried to do some needle point but in the end it pissed me off.there is nothing. Now I understand how a person can go mad while locked in solitude. I hate the silence.



Damn it, the night is dragging on. I just want to sleep. Sleep and dream of nothing and no one.

Ok I need a new hobby I suppose. I have to be able to get thru these long ass nights. There has to be something I can do to shut my mind off. Something to numb my mind. Sigh.

Hmmm well that can't be good. All I think of is how am I going to hide it. I don't think its wise to tell anyone, its been hard enough to blend in as it is. Fuck, what if i can't hide it?